"It just doesn't work between us."
"We can't work together, but we have to."
For any relationship to work, both parties need to have a basic level of trust. This doesn't mean pouring your guts out to another person, but rather having a minimal level of safety, knowing that you can turn your back in front of them and they won't stab you there. Ironically, I hear this a lot—this theme of "backstabbing" is a corporate malady, and many organizational and team cultures, if not encouraging it, allow it to happen.
What do you do when avoidance is not an option, especially if you have to work with that person, and they are your boss?
First, stop and examine your narrative about them. Most likely, you have somehow created the "me vs. them" dichotomy in your mind. "Me vs. them" creates opposition, tension, and distance. There is no chance to understand the other if they are "them" and you are "you." No, you don't have to be "best friends," but you can allow yourself to observe this relationship and what is really going on. Here are some common reasons that may be getting in the way between you:
Mismatched Values and Motivational Drives: You may be all about partnership while they want results. You nourish alliances, and they thrive on competition—and vice versa.
Poor Communication: Since you don't like each other, your communication is minimal and tense. There is little curiosity, and more assumptions are made than truth-seeking.
Inadequate Boundaries: Professional relationships require clear boundaries. I’ve seen work relationships deteriorate when these weren't reset after promotions or organizational changes.
Ego Conflicts: You may want to be right, and that becomes more important than anything else.
Failure to Invest: Relationships require effort and nurturing. If one or both parties fail to invest time and resources, the relationship may falter.
Resistance to Feedback: You know what I mean here. There is resistance to sharing feedback ("It will make our relationship more complicated") and receiving it ("Who are they to tell me what to do?" or "They say it because they don't like me").
Ultimately, while working with difficult colleagues can feel daunting, it doesn’t have to be a losing battle. By shifting your perspective, improving your communication, and establishing clear boundaries, you can foster a more productive relationship. Yes, it has to start with you which may feel unfair and imbalanced. What are you losing if you make the first step?
